| An end of an era |
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| 04:02am 20/05/2009 |
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An end of an era; Anger, Disappointment, Loss and Remorse - directly transcribed from my email for posterity and as a meager act of self flagellation for all who've suffered under it.
Email reads:
"As a matter of fact, I am not back in Vancouver yet, so drop the god damned attitude. And heaven forbid I make something difficult for you; suck it up.
I want you to read this through because it's most likely as honest I can possibly be with you about, well, everything.
I am exceptionally disappointed in you and your reaction to this. After everything we've been through and all the times I've been there to help you, I'd hoped for a little understanding and respect in return, as it's what I have ALWAYS shown you. Perhaps to a fault. I express myself in manner that does not suit you and our friendship becomes immediately disposable, you find it acceptable to throw me away as little more than an empty bottle. Were it simply a matter of this friendship being unsuitable I would have never began it in the first place, let alone endured it's rough spots to see the better times. If this is the measure of respect you show your other friendships, it's a wonder you have any real friends at all.
When you asked to bring a friend out I wasn't surprised, but I was fine with it. Nothing ever goes according to plan with you I didn't take it personally. Only after agreeing do you inform me of the nature of this "friend", and it turned out it wasn't a friend you were bringing along at all. This wasn't a chum from work or an old acquaintance from your past, rather this was your latest man of interest.
You put me in an impossible position with no way out. Were I to tell you that I felt that I wouldn't be comfortable with this man in particular being around for the afternoon, you would have certainly went off about how this was completely inappropriate for me to say because I shouldn't say or feel these things since we are only friends, as you have in the past for such feelings. So I did my best to roll with the punches, play it cool and give you two space when I felt you were being more than friendly with each other.
It should have come as no surprise to you that it would be difficult for me to sit around and watch you with him, and him with you, despite my best efforts. It has been obvious to the both of us for a long time that I never truly got over my feelings for you, that I've always cared deeply for you. We've talked about these things point blank very recently. Putting me in that position was at best selfish, and at worst a cruel game.
I have done my best to be your friend, despite my feelings, despite the emotional strain, and I freely admit that I haven't always been able to maintain that role very well. My feelings for you have not changed over the years, no matter how hard I have tried to put them down, and so I have sought to protect and care for you in what little ways were left to me as a friend. I would go to the ends of the earth for your health, happiness and safety.
Each time my feelings come back to the surface it scares you, and it scares me too. There is something between us, something different than either of us have ever known, and it keeps drawing us back together, despite our shared fear of it. We aren't just friends, we have never been just friends, and that is the root of all this anger on both our parts. We both know that this is strange, different and something altogether unlike anything else, and we felt it from our first moments and to this day.
However, you are absolutely right; This is the end of our "friendship". I have never been able to be a good friend for you, as we both know that deep down, I have never stopped loving you, as scornful and idiotic as it is has been to bear in the eyes of all those around me. There hasn't been a day since I have met you where I haven't stopped to think about you for a moment, wonder after you and your happiness. As I wandered through Morocco there was no one in the world I wanted to share each amazing moment and discovery with more than you. I wrote each day I my travel journal, and each day my thoughts turned to you. It was there, in that book, in that country, that I finally came to find peace with the fact that I love you, hopelessly and always.
I want you to remember back on who I was to you, and who I will continue to be regardless of all this. When you look back on this part in your life, remember that I was one of the few men who saw you as an equal. I was one of the few men who wanted you for more than merely your body or money. I was one of the few men who looked beyond your beauty to find someone incredible, special and unique; someone worth everything. I want you to remember that I was one of the few men who wanted more for you than from you.
Above all, I want you to remember how you treated one of the few men who truly loved you for who you are, inside and out; flaws and all.
I cannot rationalize my anger away in this as I have done in the past, I cannot simply forgive and allow your selfishness to pass by unchallenged. And yet I cannot dismiss my feeling for you, as angry as you have made me. You are right to call this the end, even if it is for all the wrong reasons.
As for the money you owe me, you can go choke on it for all I care; it means nothing to me. The money was never important to me, it was simply the only way I could help to keep you from further harm in that moment in time, but now seems utterly pointless to have it back in light of this.
--James."
So, that's that then I suppose. I'll be fucked if i know what happens tomorrow when it is read, but I am comforted in that I know it won't be like any of the days previous to this. |
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| I stopped... |
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| 03:57am 20/05/2009 |
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I stopped transcribing my journal entries, as I had forgotten that the ending wasn't to my taste, even if it was and still is entirely true. Sorry. a blanket appology to all, myself included.
The following post is indirectly related, and certainly linked to that ending that I didn't care to share. |
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| Morocco - Day 5 - November 10th |
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| 12:24am 12/03/2009 |
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I slept quite soundly last night, much better than my final night at the Hotel Ayoub. It is 7:10am now, I am almost completely ready for the day, all I need to do now is steal a few minutes in the shower. I suspect that we will not have such luxuries for the next few days, so I'd best take advantage while I can.
... (time passes) ...
Night is upon us and we find ourselves in an auberge for the night. I have no doubt i will sleep well, we have had many interesting adventures today.
We began our travels into the desert today, leaving the Atlus to shrink behind us. We hiked through the dunes, climbing the tallest one in sight. the desert is everything and nothing like what I expected. The top of the dune felt like what I'd imagined, but as the journey progressed I was amazed at how fast and often the terrain changed. As we descended the dune and and returned to the truck, all that could be seen was the sand and rock, but passing into the next valley we were greeted with lush green fields.
The local village had cultivated the land for crops, and it looked like a lush oasis. We drove through so many small villages today, each time greeted by the local children. Some just waved hello while others called out for sweets. Each of these children were adorable, and it was impossible not to wave to them as we passed.
Tonight will be warmer than the last, out auberge has rooms for that are ambiently warm. I look forward to another day of adventures tomorrow, we will begin our camel treks that last for two days. Two more days till my birthday. This is one birthday that I am looking forward to, albeit in a different way than usual. |
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| Morocco - Day 4 - November 9th |
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| 12:02am 12/03/2009 |
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I am writing from my tent now, the first full of travel now complete. We are in a small permanent campsite, nomadic style, as contradictory as those terms seem.
It couldn't be more beautiful, it is a great end to a long day's travels. We crossed the High Atlus Mountains today by 4x4, spending much of the timethe day on the road. Our tour guide, Rachid says we have traveled more than 300km today, or perhaps it was miles, I can't remember.
The entire trip was mad on narrow roads with the usual disregard to lanes. Our driver, Mohamed, drove a line straight through the winding mountain roads like a reace driver through a track, and at similar speed. It was common to come around a corner in the oncoming lane, as it was the best line for the curve. Only on a few did we ever meet someone coming the other way however, and they were usually in our lane. Despite the seemingly unsafe driving, Mohamed was actually very safe and a strong driver. We were never once in any danger.
The day wasn't as eventful as the previous, since we were driving for most of it. The trip through the Atlus had a few high points, if you'll pardon the pun. On a few occasions it suddenly became clear that on either side of the road there was nothing but down slope and we were actually driving along the peak of that particular mountain. I was lucky enough to snap a picture of one of these roads from around a bend as we continued our climb.
Lunch was uneventful, discounting the scourge of flies, izzit as they are called here, and the two very oposite waiters serving out tables.
Arriving here at camp has really been the highlight of the day. I hope to get some better pictures in the daylight before we leave. Tomorrow sounds like a lot more of on foot exploration of the surrounding village, so i hope to employ my camelback.
I am going to take a short stroll before bed. This wool tent doesn't really provide much protection from the elements, so I hope it stays calm all night. I also need to pack my things in case I sleep in, so I can get up and go if need be. |
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| Morocco - Day 3 - November 8th |
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| 11:34pm 10/03/2009 |
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What a day, it's hard to know where to begin. Sometime around 5:30 this morning the local temple loudspeaker began broadcasting morning prayer. It work me, but only briefly.
As I mentioned earlier I attempted to use my sleeping bag last night. That lasted for about all of 20 minutes before I gave up and switched to the covers proper. The bed was surprisingly clean, and despite a rock hard pillow I fell asleep immediately. I wish I could do that on a regular basis. I had set my alarm for 8am, but slept till a little after nine. I slept more soundly last night than I have in ages.
I packed up and hauled my things downstairs around 10 only to find that I was given the same room again for my tour booking. I hauled my things back up to my room and stored them in the closet. When I returned later in the day the maid had cleaned and made the bed, but left the door unlocked. I panicked a little and quickly checked for my bag, thankfully it was right where I left it.
However I've skipped over the entire day, so lets step back a little.
The clerk informed me this morning that the starting address was in fact the same as the hotel. Confident that I would meet the tour here I decided to explore on foot for a while. To say that I had no idea where I was going was an understatement. I stopped at the store attached to hotel to grab some water, then set out.
I inspected a tourist map posted in the hotel, but beyond finding the location of my hotel on it, it served me little use. This is perhaps due to the entire map being written in french.
I walked east towards a main road, knowing that it lead to the old city. As I got to the main road I was intercepted by a local and we talked. We went to a cafe across the street and talked about the city. It was clear to me that this man was friendly, but with intent. He offered to take me around to a local market and I figured that going with this man was bound to be more productive, if not more expensive.
.... a great deal of time just passed between paragraphs. I was writing out on the patio in the hopes of stumbling across others on the tour, and as luck would have it I did. I'll cover that a bit later.
My local tour guide, Mohamed, had bought me a black coffee, and I didn't dare refuse it despite my distaste for the bitter brew. Before i knew it i was on the back of his scooter and we were flying through the streets of Marrakech. The sun was hot and the breeze felt great. I couldn't help but notice my companions heavy clothes. It once again dawned on me that it is winter here, all 22 degrees in the day of it. But I digress.
Mohamed took me to a market on the north edge of the city. He didn't need to tell me that it wasn't a tourist area, it was as plain as the color of my skin. He told me that the market was only open Saturdays, and it was a market for locals, a "virgin market" as he put it. It only took stepping inside to vindicate his claim.
The market was a collection of tight corridors, merchandise canopy ceilings and not a foreigner to be found. Mohamed told me not to mention if I wanted anything to the vendors, but to let him know and he would buy it at the "local" rate.
After working our way through numerous stalls we made our way out. Mohamed left me by his scooter and went inside again with my Dirham. Time passed and I began to wonder if perhaps I had purchased a scooter without a key. Mohamed returned 20 or 30 minutes later with a collection of spices, the bracelets I'd pointed out, and a pair of slippers. I was relieved that I hadn't been taken, and we hopped back on the scooter to race through the dizzying traffic. We ended up in a small cafe and drank as we waited for his brother. Mustapha was bringing his car and we toured beyond the city limits.
Again I contemplated how easy it would be for them to rob me and leave me to rot at any point, but they did not. Mohamed continued to point out sights and explained various things to me. We spent ab hour or two touring around the outskirts of the town, the view of the atlas mountains foreshadowing tomorrow's undertaking yet to begin.
As the afternoon wore on we returned to the same small cafe where we had met up with Mustapha.
Oh, I almost forgot our lunch. My guides took me to a small restaurant hidden away without a foreigner in sight. He ordered a tagine for me, I chose a chicken one. It was an incredible dish, slow cooked in a clay dish. He taught me how to eat Moroccan style, using break to soak up the sauce then grab the meat and vegetables.
After lunch passed it was then that we returned to the cafe. I paid the agreed amount for Mustapha's gas, and gave them both money for their time (as was implied from the start). In the end, with all my shopping and buying lunch, along with money for the brother's time it cost me about 1000 dirham, so roughly $140 Canadian. The sum may seem high, but I found keepsakes for mostly everyone I wanted and saw parts of the city that most tourists do not. i had no problem with the cost.
Mohamed gave me his phone number and told me to call when I returned from the desert. He will arrange to have his brother take me to the airport and show me other areas if we have time. I'm not sure if i'll contact him or not, but the time we did spend was unique.
Now back to the recent pact. As I was writing on the patio in the setting sun I was approached by another your tourist. He had seen my strategically placed travel papers with the "GAP Adventures" logo showing and knew I was waiting as well. I left the writing and talked with Jason, also a Canadian, Torontonian to be exact. After a time an older lady joined us my papers and our English conversation drew her in. Pat is from the west end of Vancouver. she brough with her the first real information about the tour. As it turned out we were to meet at the hotel, in the lobby, at 7pm.
We would later learn that the hotel staff had been faxed the info about the tour, but never gave it out. The people at reception I had asked didn't even know the name of "GAP" when I asked about it. Luckily we all met up and went for dinner. I've met most of the group now.
- Jason has long brown hair, is from Toronto, and reminds me a little of Matt Toner.
- Caroline has medium length black hair, is from Australia but lives in London.
- Pat is from Vancouver, on of the two older trekkers, and has days before and after in Barcelona. Her son works in the Tom Lee downtown.
- Abigail is the other older trekker, is from Edmonton, though born in Scotland and moved to Canada at 7, and has a son who does concept art at Propaganda Games.
- Leslie is from New York, long brown hair.
The rest I have only just barely spoken too yet, if at all. We begin tomorrow at 8am sharp in the lobby. Breakfast starts at roughly 6:30, and if morning prayer comes again tomorrow I have no fear of oversleeping. I doubt I will write as copiously once the trek begins, but I will try to make some brief notes each night about the days events.
My fears are now gone, each of those big hurdles have been cleared and my first full day has been an complete success! I look forward to the coming week as I know that what is to come will be unlike anything that has come before. I look forward to the incredible places, people and experiences and telling everyone at home about all of them. |
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| Morocco - Day 2 - November 7th |
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| 10:42pm 09/03/2009 |
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About and hour now to London. Slept poorly and I'm incredibly thirsty. I suppose that is a good precursor for the desert itself. Without a doubt I am going to be very thirsty on a regular basis.
... (time passes) ...
In Heathrow, god only knows what time it is. I've checked in for my flight but I'm waiting for a gate assignment. Heathrow is huge, though not too hard to navigate. Cool train from terminal 5 to Heathrow central.
My internal clock is completely shot, not sure how long i slept on the flight. I hate sleeping on planes, and buses for the matter.
My fears about ending up in Korea or Malta have been removed. I am still concerned about getting to the hotel from the airport, and getting a room. I hope someone at the front desk speaks english.
Turns out I have a in Casablanca. With any luck it won't be long or require a plane change.
... (time passes) ...
Finally got a gate assigned, I wonder why they have it planned in advance?
I was worried about jet lag on my arrival, and not being able to sleep. As it turns out that isn't going to be a problem in the least. I'm completely exhausted and will probably crash as soon as I get to my room. Essentially I have only gotten 2 or 3 hours sleep for 2 days. Being unable to sleep at the hotel won't be a problem.
Oh boy, forget the hotel, I can barely stay awake waiting for the flight to board.
... (time passes) ...
On the plane now, the passengers are all filing in. It's apparent that the language issue/barrier isn't going away. The in flight magazine has some english, but only in places. I really hoped I'm not entirely screwed here.
... (time passes) ...
Halfway through the flight they served dinner. I'm not clear on what some of it was, but the beef was decent. It is an unfair first impression of the food to get the airplane meal version. I hope the real thing is much better.
I passed out straight away, so i got a few more hours sleep. I am going to try and stay awake for the remainder of the flight.
... (time passes) ...
Changed planes in Casablanca, but it clearly wasn't part of the original plan. I managed to find the new plane at a distant gate, mostly by following others. The terminal here, or the parts I could see through the windows, is very impressive. It is a massive white stone building with towering lines despite it's short size (30-40ft I'd guess).
Despite my better effort I ended up falling back asleep for the rest of the flight into Casablanca. This last leg is a short hop though so it should only be a couple hours at most to Marrakech, then the challenge of finding my hotel begins.
... (time passes) ...
It's just before 11pm now, I'm in my hotel room and feeling a little more comfortable about being able to communicate. My taxi from the airport was great, and highly informative. It quickly became apparent that lanes are more suggestions than rules, and that traffic lights are the exception, not the norm. My driver spoke just enough English to get me here, so there wasn't much conversation during the drive.
My room is nice, nothing fancy, but it's clean and well kept. I have two single beds, which is great, because i'm expecting company any moment now. ;)
Ok, so it's silly, but i was too shocked by ride here to ask about the specifics. I took the option to have breakfast as part of my room. I suspect that it's more expensive than it should be, but i don't exactly know where the nearest diner is.
The buildings I saw along the drive were great, even the everyday ones. With the exception of the gas stations, none of the architecture is familiar. I am excited to see more.
The starting point for the tour isn't the hotel, from what I can tell at least. I need to find somewhere called "Le face de la Faculte de Mediceine Lamahita". Sounds like a medical school or a learning hospital. It's quite unclear where/when I meet the group, so first thing tomorrow, after breakfast of course, I will start to gather information. With any luck the desk clerk will be familiar with the tour, but that sounds WAY to easy.
I'm going to use my sleeping bag tonight, give it a test-run of sorts. The beds seem quite clean, but i'd like to be familiar with my sleeping bag before I get to the desert.
Time to unpack a few things, get settled and finally get a real nights sleep. |
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| Morocco - Day 1 - November 6th |
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| 09:12pm 09/03/2009 |
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(written on the plane from Vancouver to London)
Distance to London: 7585km.
- Happy
- Anxious
- Excited!
(later in the flight)
I regret how things went between Krystal and myself, it shouldn't have had to end.
In the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if I'll ever truly get over Chantelle. To this day I cannot rationalize why I fell so hard, so fast for her, or why these feelings still persist. The thought of this trip into the desert fills me with hope for some sort of answers, some sort of closure.
In the end though it is hard to ignore the uncanny way that both myself and Chantelle are drawn to the same things, how we both find ourselves ourselves in failed love. Back to back.
I hope that I might find a clear mind and revitalization as I need to begin fresh.
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| Morocco travel entries. |
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| 09:08pm 09/03/2009 |
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so out laziness and the fact that they will never be seen otherwise, I've decided not to post-date my travel entries. I realize they are super late in coming, but i never really felt motivated to type them out until today. The following entries will be titled with the day and date, posted chronologically.
Enjoy. |
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| The Interview |
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| 10:12am 10/12/2008 |
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mood:  anxious
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So I stumbled into this consulting job and I'm quite enjoying my time here, though I think that's because I know that it is only for a short duration. I can make suggestions as to how to proceed, but if they go a different route I know I won't be here to deal with it anyways. That kind of distance is a nice change for my stress levels.
Of course, that doesn't mean I am without stress. Yesterday had me more jittery and nervous than I can remember being in quite some time. Yesterday was my first interview with Harmonix.
It wasn't an in-depth interview, just a phone screener to see if I am of any interest to them (to which I'm not sure at the time of writing this), but it still made me jittery with anticipation.
To make things worse I screwed up the timezone translation in my head and expected the call an hour before it was due. Time ticked by, and as the scheduled time came and then passed without a call I began to get stressed. Thankfully a quick double check uncovered my error and I relaxed a little, but only a little.
When the call finally did come we talked for a little more than 20 minutes. I talked smart design, got a few good moments to show off my background experience, talked about a few new games I'm playing along with a light disection and generally sound highly qualified for the type of design work they do there.
The interview ended with a happy, chummy type mood and the usual "we'll let you know in a few days" line. I understand how the process works, I really do, but fuck me I don't want to wait a couple days!! I'm super excited at the prospect of moving to Boston, becoming a Sr. Designer and joining a studio that is really in the big leagues.
Now comes the waiting... I have to keep myself occupied or I will lose my mind. Thank god for this consulting job, that sucks up 9 hours. Sleep will cover 8 more... I'm sure I can find something to do for 7 hours everyday to keep me distracted. 7 long, tedious hours of the phone not ringing and my inbox being empty.
Man, I haven't been this excited about a job since my first design position. |
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| Not about Africa |
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| 08:56pm 02/12/2008 |
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mood:  restless
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I realize that I haven’t written anything here about my trip, but that’s not to say I haven’t written anything... I just haven’t transcribed any of my travel journal yet. In time I will, and when that time comes I suspect I will post date the entries to make this post all the more confusing to someone reading these entries at a later date.
No, I’m going to write about the things that have happened since my return, of which there has been a few important developments, and one I will speak of here.
Upon my return my suspicions were confirmed, I was laid off in a large round of cuts to the company. This didn’t surprise me and I was actually rather glad that it went the way it did. I was let go due to financial reasons, which is as clean a break as i could hope for, and a release from a situation I haven’t been happy with for quite some time.
I knew it was going to happen, and when it did I welcomed it. I started catching up on my sleep and spending the time working out some of my own personal issues. I didn’t plan on taking any work until the new year and instead focus on myself. This vacation made me realize that in the past 5 years I haven’t really done that. Instead I have buried myself in the work and when problems came up I suppressed them instead of truly dealing with them.
However, in true to myself fashion, I can’t help but stumble over success in my career. The night I was laid off I bumped into an old Lead of mine on the street. At the time I was struggling to stay awake, still recovering from the jetlag and in the trenches of a hard fought cold. I did manage to relate the story of my recent layoff and he mentioned that he was possibly looking for someone to come in on a short term contract to help write spec for a project. Nothing elaborate, just a couple weeks on contract. At this point I hadn’t decided what was next and I thought it best to keep the option open, so I told him I was interested.
I’ve heard a lot of people talk about possible jobs that never materialize, so I didn’t put much further thought to it as I walked away that night, thinking only of my bed. Turns out that my old lead is actually the head of the company and so he was in a position to actually make statements with complete authenticity.
The details of the project were vague, so I was brought in to talk with some people about what they needed. I expected an interview, the usual song and dance, but there was none of it. I still hadn’t done my research, I was still in vacation mode. We talked about what needed to be done, then he asked if I was interested in working with them. No resume, no reference checks, just my old leads referral. Strange, I thought, but responded in the affirmative none the less. We concluded the meeting and they let me know my old lead would be in touch, I went back to doing as little as possible.
I came back in the next week to meet with my old lead, and he asked me if I was interested in the job. I said yes and I was hired, just like that. Suddenly I began to realize that he wasn’t just a cog in the machine here. I was brought in on his referral and hired on the spot because he knew I was the guy for the job, simple as that.
I started the work today, not quite sure exactly what I had gotten myself into. I’m officially a consultant now, one of my career goals. I’ve been contracted on for the duration of my time here before I leave for Christmas. It turns out that their deadline coincides with my departure, so I am a perfect fit in more ways than one.
At first I was scrambling to get up to speed, and in a way I still am, but along the way something very strange kind of blindsided me. It was the language that those at the studio used around me and about me. I was point blank referred to as an expert, and it phased me. I’m entirely used to being under rated and having very little expected of me. I realized all of the sudden that I was the hired gun, the professional brought in to do the job, and the respect was built in.
I am an expert. Still sounds strange to me as I loop the statement in my mind. I enjoy that I am thought of in such a manner, but it is certainly a first, or at least that anyone has said to my face. I guess it’s just strange to come into a project with respect upfront. I usually have to fight tooth and nail just to be heard.
I sense that this is a pivotal point in my life and my career, a transition period. I find myself in suddenly very wide open circumstances with little to hold me back and nothing to stand in my way. I don’t lack anything to do what I want... I just have to decide what I want.
It’s strange to realize that I don’t know what I want anymore. I knew once... had a grip on it firmer than anything you can imagine, but it shook me loose and I’ve been adrift ever since.
As the new year passes I may find more opportunity where I have landed, I curry a great deal of favour there and I've already been asked about my interest in larger projects, but I think it may be more important to focus on myself for a little while. I don’t like the aimlessness. I don’t like the emptiness.
I used to have a purpose, morals and principles that were unshakable, but I’ve come to question all of them and violate more than one.
I think I will leave town soon, and not for the short term, most likely for good. I think it’s time I started again in new surroundings, new places that don’t remind me of anything, new people that don’t know any better of me. I love this city, but I feel as though I have grown redundant here, and everything I once wanted within its confines no longer wants me.
I am looking east to Cambridge, and west to Honolulu. Perhaps even further. I could be happy in Honolulu working on some project there, spending my odd hours sitting quietly on the beach or climbing a volcano. I could be happy out east working on something I love and furthering my career. I don’t know what I want, but the time away from everything could at least help me forget the things I can’t seem to escape.
I don’t know... I just can’t shake it. I can’t shake that emptiness. |
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| Inconsistent |
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| 04:23pm 09/10/2008 |
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mood:  excited
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Okay, I admit, writing once every five or six months isn't terribly consistent of me. Then again, I don't really care. It's not as though I have thousands of fans baying for every tid-bit about my life... and thank god for that.
In my life shit is happening, lots of it, and at very rapid pace lately. We're pushing hard to release Episode 2 for PC/Mac/Linux/360, as well as get EP 1 out on PS3, all within these coming weeks. That alone is quite a lot to do. I'm personally done with the bulk to that work now though, and have moved ahead to EP3. Pre-production is the only real breather we get on the design front, as it's a chance to slow down and carefully think everything through for the coming months before we dive in. That said it's not exactly slow on a day to day basis, just a little less crazy.
PAX went well and there was, for me at least, the feeling of being a minor celeb this time around. Getting stopped by fans and talking about the game was a hell of a lot of fun. Last time we were there the hadn't come out so there wasn't as much buzz and people didn't know what to make of us then.
Then there was the hanging out with other industry guys. I made a much larger effort to get out there and network. I met people from a bunch of different studios, and this year around a few came looking for us. Of the more memorable moments, some of the Blizzard guys came over to our booth and chatted us up, saying how they were fans of our game. Coming from them, that's some serious praise.
We did the now becoming traditional "Hotmonix" Dinner on saturday at the Taphouse, and much love was shared between the Harmonix and Hothead crews.
My friend Dan, Lead Designer on Rock Band 2, made a public challenge to a couple big name designers, and myself, to thumb-wrestle after the Harmonix Panel. I showed, totally beat him, but he cheated and ended up beating me in the end! Dirty cheating Aussies! I'll get him next year!
So yeah, PAX was crazy and a ton of fun.
Back in there here and now, more craziness abounds! I'm planning a vacation, as it recently occured to me that I haven't taken one in at least 4 years. I'm getting pretty burnt out and could use the time to disconnect and shift gears for a while. I'm going to go book all my flights and stuff tonight after work, and i've picked out a tour that really excites me; I've decided to go to Morocco and wander the deserts for a week or so.
Here's the map:
For those unfamiliar, Morocco is on the upper left shoulder of Africa. I'm incredibly excited about it, since it will be a complete disconnect from everyone and everything familiar for a while. Left me reset and recharge. Of course it might be more tiring than it is restful. We'll be hiking through the Atlus mountains, then wandering the desert for a few days stay in nomadic camps. I'll try to scare up a little point and shoot digital camera for the trip so I can get pictures of stuff like sand, and me falling off of camels.
Everyone give me a funny look when I tell them that's what I want to do with my vacation, but I find it incredibly exciting. If all goes to plan I'll be gone from the 8th of November to the 15th. So I'll spend my birthday in the desert, which i find an enjoyable concept.
This will also be my first intercontinental trip, which is also exciting.
Anyways... that's what what these days. Shipping my next game soon, then leaving the country for a while. A shame i'm not doing it with a huge stack of money... but my day to flee to a non-extradition country with a small fortune will come one day. ;) |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| Incorrect? |
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| 11:17pm 21/04/2008 |
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mood:  indifferent
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Maybe it's just me, but i don't think that anything on teletoon should be sponsored by a pregnancy test kit. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Satisfaction |
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| 09:51pm 05/03/2008 |
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mood:  satisfied
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Jagger once famously wrote the he "can't get no satisfaction", and recently i've found it hard to empathize with him on this point.
The semester is winding down and as time grow tenuously short for my many pupils. For some things are beginning to crystallize and it's that look in their eyes when it all finally starts making sense that it incredibly gratifying. That moment during our one on one conversations when they look surprised as they start saying things with conviction that weeks before there only cocked their heads at quizzically, or drowsily plodded their way through.
It's the moment where their brains turn over for the first time in a completely new way. A sharp, deliberate, methodical, analytical way that is entirely new for them. It's when they really start thinking like a designer, and it's the part of teaching that I get the biggest kick out of.
I was never shown or taught these things that I try to relate to my students. I was thrown at the task of design with only the vaguest of directions, and no underlying theory to guide me. It was a very arduous and time consuming task coming around to understand what design was, and how it is best approached. And while I know that I cannot teach my students everything they will need in every situation, it's that spark of understanding that leaves me feeling as though leading them to the water is enough to make sure they can make it the rest of the way. I would have killed to have that kind of head start. As I remember it, my core design teachers only vaguely motioned in the general direction of water and wandered away.
However I digress, because this memory isn't about me in the strictest sense, I simply derive much of my satisfaction from the comparison. I'm not a great design teacher. There is so much more I want to teach them, but I feel I stand up pretty damned well compared to those before me.
I suppose a good measure of that is the fact that as word spread about the way I was teaching my class, and the content of it, I had many students asking to sit in. While their motivations will never be known for certain, it seems clear to me that they were there not for an open machine to work on, but for my lectures (considering few ever actually used the machines they sat at), and in that alone I draw a great deal of satisfaction. I mean, how often do students voulenteer to sit in on lectures in school?
I've opted to teach another term, even though Krystal is now working, because I love to teach. Despite all the other crap that goes along with the job (and will eventually drive me away yet again) I love the act and the practice of turning on minds.
It doesn't happen as much as I'd like, but when it does, it's nothing short of fireworks behind their eyes, and it feels like a million bucks.
... now if it only PAID a million bucks. ;) |
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| There are two colors in my head. |
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| 12:42am 13/02/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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A friend and I have recently been talking about their relationship woes, and I feel terribly divided about the whole thing.
On one hand I hate to see any of my friends in pain or unhappy in anyway, so I want to do whatever I can. I want to lend my insight and rather unique perspective to help them better understand what their up against in a new way so they can overcome their issues and find happiness again.
Yet deep down inside I sercretly want them to fail, and I find that dark inkling repulsive as it goes against my nature. It's a selfish and even childish desire. I want them to realize they made a mistake and that what they've found themselves caught in now is so much less than they are worth. I want them to realize that they are worth more than they are being appreciated for. I want them to know that just that appreciation never left, even though they turned away from it.
But it's selfish, it truly isn't right. I would rather help them and let them discover the truths that actually exist, even if i don't like those truths. I want their discoveries to mean something, and I would hate myself if i did anything less than help them to find their own way. Should their path lead to my way of thinking on it's own, it is only then that it would mean anything to eaither of us.
Despite my dark desire I know that sabatoge is the wrong thing to do, even if it is easy to get what i want in the here and now. I would rather be the noble one who ushers in the happiness of others than the one who steals it greedily like a thief in the night forthemselve no matter the cost to those around them. Stolen means nothing, but when it comes of it's own accord it is a wealth beyond imagination.
..........
The Wretched
Nine Inch Nails
just a reflection
it's just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what about's
and all the might have
could have been's
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched
the hope and pray
for better days
the far aways
forget it
forget it
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
now
you know
this is what it feels like
now
you know
this is what it feels like
the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
and God himself will reach his fucking arm through
just to push you down
just to hold you down
stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it's hard to believe it could come down to this
back at the beginning
sinking
spinning
and in the end
we still pretend
the time we spend
not knowing when
you're finally free
and you could be
but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it
now
you know
this is what it feels like
now
you know
this is what it feels like
now
you know
this is what it feels like
now
you know
this is what it feels like
you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
you can try to stop it but it...
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| One Year |
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| 09:51pm 01/02/2008 |
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I realized today that it's been a year, more or less, depending on the subject, but a year by any measure.
Today was my one year anniversary at Hothead, but it was a day like any other. I've enjoyed each day i've spent there, and it feels more like home than anywhere else I've ever been. I don't feel itchy, uncomfortable or restless as I have in the past around this time; that unexplainable need to move, to leave.
Perhaps because for the first time I feel like part of the team, not merely an employee filling a quota. It's not to say that my past projects haven't been important, but this one actually feels like mine, and I know why that is. I make a difference here, I contribute in unique and essential ways that no one else would quite do.
Of course a year is shorter than it seems. For all the hard work and water under the bridge, it seems like very little has changed. Before I knew it a year had come and gone and I was caught completely by surprise.
Sometimes I find myself looking back at the choices I made in this year and wondering "what if's?", despite my all too deep an understanding of how unproductive those thoughts can be. Yet it is in my nature to analyze, to deconstruct and look at each part of a situation from every angle. It serves me well in my theoretical practices, but it becomes less clear the benefit I reap from it in the practice of everyday life.
I wonder and poner my actions, and the action of those around me in all those defining moments. I try to unravel deeper meaning where usually none exists. It is certainly a pursuit bent on frustration. I should learn to let go of the past more easily, but in many ways I cannot convince myself I would be the better for such departures.
In some ways I feel that these experiences, and my deeper understanding of them define me. To abandon my intentional dissection of the wrongs I experience, I feel as though I would be wayward in my convictions, less who I am now, and I've worked hard to become this man.
The question then is not whether I value such introspection as a personal trait, but do I value who I am as a whole. Do I want to be who I am? Do I appreciate what I am now? Is this what I truly wanted for myself to become, or is this merely an aberration left unchecked so long that I've become accustomed to the mutation?
It's really is hard to say some days. |
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| A good start. |
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| 12:32am 13/11/2007 |
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mood: telescopic
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I brought in the first day of my new year in a fashion that tells me that the rest of the year is going to be phenomenal for me. I spent my first day comfortably with friends, eating and laughing; the laughs of tonight are certain to last for a long time to come.
Things are on the verge, and it certainly feels like it. To be rather droll, it is very clear that my life is on the precipice. Things in my life are only just beginning to get interesting for me, in oh-so-many ways.
I've been working like crazy these last few year to make something of myself, and I feel it is all starting to truly take focus now. Once I started down this path I never doubted it was what I wanted, but there were some utterly dark moments along the way.
I don't speak strictly professionally, but it is certainly the easiest parallel to draw. No, things are about to crest in many ways.
It is as though I am at the climax of the accent on a roller coaster ride. So much effort has been put into getting me this far, 6 years now professionally and so much longer in other ways. Each drop of blood, sweat and tears have meant something, have shaped me and have gotten me this far. Now, as I see the culmination of these efforts begin to bear real fruit, I can't help but get excited at the boundless possibilities that await as I look forward.
I know that there is little that I can't achieve now, everything I've wanted and worked for stretches out for miles in all directions. The roadblocks have dissolved, the doubts now little more than a shade in heat of the summer's sun, all i have to now is pick my next direction and start walking down that road.
There will always be hills, but in the clarity of this moment it's profoundly obvious that hills have never stopped me from reaching the top of what I've wanted, and never will, sometimes it simply takes longer than most would be willing to invest to reach the summit, no matter how sweet the reward.
I've felt myself expand in exponential ways over this past year. I've been though a great deal of things that I hold dear for what they mean to me, even if I'm far from happy as to what transpired in some of those moments. I feel as though I've grown selfishly, far beyond the budgets and constraints a year allows. I am on top of this hill, and the long view is fantastic.
Now, for a brief moment, it is time to relish the sweet moments of the here and now, for I know the next challenge is only around the corner and soon I'll be back on the road; working it out.
... and I DO love a challenge. |
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| Seems that... |
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| 12:13am 08/11/2007 |
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mood: content
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It seems that more people than I suspected read what I write here, which is to say more than zero. I realize it's been a while since I've written, and I wish it were solely work that were to blame. However the truth is that the lack of time has never stopped me... I just haven't felt the need to vent.
This place, this personal mind dump is frequented most when I'm under some unwieldy stress. I com ehere to write when I'm grappling with things that are beyond my scope of understanding, control or simply to much to let stay bottled up. I write then, and only then as it seems, because it's when I write at my best. It's more than just drivel, day to day meandering and mindless crap that is so boring I don't even care to remember it.
It's turbulence that has always excised from me passages worth reading.
Now, I've been accused of only writing about the negative things that happen in my life, and it's hard to rebuke such accusations. Most of what I write about is hard and unhappy, because I don't struggle to come to terms with all the god things that happen in my life, and that is the crux of why I haven't written lately.
These last few months have been great. My life isn't plagued with things that make me write, and that's something that I must say I really appreciate. Of course, that probably has a lot to do with being in a stable relationship. Being thrust time and again upon jagged shores was tearing me to tatters emotionally and mentally. It cause me to do some very stupid things, not because I had to, or even needed to... but simply because I wanted to.
It's one of very few dark patches in my recent past, and immediately upon committing that act of intentional brutality and indiscriminate stupidity I knew how wrong I was. I felt like I was that young boy in a very bad place, surrounded on all sides by inescapable truths that this time were completely of my making.
Chantelle, the whole period if her passing, it happened nearly a year ago now, but it's ripples spread out far beyond those few weeks. I was devastated; torn asunder by my own passion and romanticism. In return I passed that very same hurt on to another. I had said at the time it was blind stupidity, but I know it was a conscious act of malice simply out of a seething rage left unexpressed. Sarah bore the brunt of it, she deserved none. It was a wonderful moment that did terrible damage and left many blemished.
However, it's been a long time since such mindless and mindful acts came to pass, and it is in that time that I have found happiness. Some would argue that I don't deserve it after what I did, and while I would strongly disagree, I would not debate the atrocity to which they prosecute me with.
I made a single mistake in my romantic life. One. While the wounds will heal for all, my memory shall do as it has always done and ensure I never forget such things. It has been added into my collection of unhappy romantic memories, of which there are too many to count.
However all the mordant memories I hold of love lost do not dissuade me from happiness now.
Krystal will arrive here in little more than a week, her belongings shortly to follow. We're moving in together and frankly I couldn't be happier. I am finally stable in every respect. I don't know how long any will last, but I am happy today, and for now that's enough for me. I'll worry about tomorrow another day.
... and that is why I haven't been writing much anymore. I wouldn't expect a sudden increase in writing either. Of course, if your so desparate to know what's what in my life, you all know where to find me... some more literally than others. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Late Nights... |
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| 02:15am 24/09/2007 |
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mood:  tired
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Can't say why excatly, can't say as I fully understand it, but I certainly can say that it's annoying.
When a project begins it's downward spiral to finish line I variably lose sleep. That is to say that sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. However I'm not speaking on an evening to evening basis, but a project to project basis. Worst of it is I know why I'm losing sleep, and it's the reason that pisses me off when I think about it.
I don't loose sleep when I'm on a sinking ship of a project, or when there are a million fires springing up at all the wrong times. No, those are the nights when I sleep without a care in the world... suppose it's may have something to do with exhaustion.
It's the projects that are going well and have a smooth line down to the runway that worry me the most. The ones where the plan is clear, the work is cutout, and fires are minimal that keep me up late pondering. I know that it's all to do with the fact that I'm trying to find the boogeyman hiding around the next corner before that corner is turned, but he isn't there. Never is.
That doesn't lend a scrap of comfort to my mind though, because I'm always planning for the worst. Comes with my territory. The fact that this project, while bumpy at times, is smooth in the final approach eats at me. The fact that this project is the most important one I've worked on to date does nothing to assuage my finely wrought fear of being happy. That too is something I've picked up along the way.
In the end it all comes down to once bit, twice shy. I've developed a wary demeanour towards that which makes me happy. I'm not going to bitch about my failings in the past, and those who've failed me, but some days I wish they'd all piss of and let me sleep. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Taking it to the Pax |
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| 03:38am 27/08/2007 |
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mood: content
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Tonight, after five long and extremely tiring days, I find myself once again back in Candaiana. though the final moments coming back across were drawn out to say the least. However I have not come here to speak of the hassles but instead the triumphs.
Our small company made it's first big splash with the public. I left last week for Seattle, and spent my time there building, running and ultimately tearing down our booth on the PAX exposition floor. It was a thrill a minute on the floor the whole weekend, and for all it's mind-numbing, leg cramping, throat rasping, it was something I don't regret for a moment.
It was nerve wracking at first, the proving ground for our game. We hadn't shown it publicly before this weekend, so it wasn't precisely clear going in what the crowds reactions would be. Though it was with an almost audible sigh of relief that we found our offering to truly excite and arouse the people on the floor.
I spent most every moment on the floor talking to both attendees, exhibitors and organizers alike as they approached me to ask questions bout the game and to tell me how much they liked the game already and how they can't wait to see more. It was unmistakable the very material enthusiasm people had when they for the game after finally seeing it for themselves.
Now obviously this show is packed full of fans for the source material, but that doesn't mean that we would by default have their interest or backing. No, it was quite the opposite that concerned me the most. These people are the harshest critics we'll face in some ways. Their rejection of the game would have undoubtedly spread like wildfire, easily outpacing the outpouring of love for the game we instead experienced.
Of course, I'm not only very proud of my team and the fact we've had a huge weekend, but I'm also proud of myself in a small ways too. I made sure I was there for every moment of the event. I was there to help build the booth, make it tick and tear it down at the very end. I made sure my impact was felt on the show, and I can see that each and effort I made has helped me earn a great deal of respect from my team. That's something I take very seriously, and prize as highly as the success of out showing on a whole. These are great guys I have the chance to to work with. It's only in the last few months that I have really felt that they accept me as their peer, that I have dispelled their concerns about my ability. This weekend help sweep away any lingering doubts, and that make me incredibly happy.
Ironically enough however, after dragging myself through the weekend, exhausted at the end of each day, I find myself rather chipper and awake despite the hour. Though I know once I finally lay down I will be out for the count.
I think I'll sleep now... I feel as though i've earned it. |
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vakola's journal
